A letter I will Never Send

On my drive home, I decided to turn the radio on. I usually blast Punjabi Music because it’s so darn happy and instantly puts me in a good mood. I can’t help but dance and sing along…yes, I am THAT person! My car is my dance club, my oasis, and most importantly my escape so I have no shame for looking ridiculous. Anyways, back to my story!

I turn the radio on and Becuase of you by Kelly Clarkson is playing. This song and I have a very long history, it never fails to make me cry and reevaluate my relationships. Kelly wrote this song because of the disintegrating relationship between her and her father, and I can honestly say that I have never related this deeply with any other song.

Becuase of you was made for me. It makes me feel as if I’m not alone. I’m not the only one that feels the way I do. This song got me thinking, I wish there was a way to sit my mother down and make her listen to this song. I want her to know how I feel. How truly broken I really am. I’ve tried to write letters but my parents are a lost cause. Nothing gets through to them. So am I supposed to just accept that and drown in my feelings? Suffocate my thoughts and let them die out? Bottle up my emotions and silently kill myself on the inside until I can’t take it any longer? No. I will not suffer. I will write my letters here to lighten the heavy burden on my heart. The first one is for my mom.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Mom,

I am sorry that I took birth as a female. I am sorry that you endured injustice and abuse because of my physical anatomy. I am sorry that I was dead to you the moment I took my first breath. I am sorry that you severed my opportunities before you severed my umbilical cord. Above all,  I am sorry that you were too weak to break the cycle in order to make the life of your daughter better than your own.

You gave birth to me but took away my life the moment I came into this world.

You said you wanted to raise me like a boy. You adorned my name with Singh (lion) rather than Kaur (princess ), you cut my hair short and let me play sports. You had it in you mother, so what went wrong? Why were you putting this act on? Why show the world that you treat your daughter like a son when behind closed doors you abused me and made me feel so small? I try not to be bitter but I cannot help it. I blame you for everything. I wouldn’t dare tell you this in person because my inner child still fears you. You are to blame for making me ashamed of my life. You have torn me down and broken my heart more than any guy ever will. The psychological damage that you and dad have done to me feels irreversible. How am I supposed to fix myself when you kick me down every time I start feeling any better? How am I supposed to think you love me when you purposely make my life harder the moment I am even remotely happy? How am I supposed to love you? How am I supposed to love myself?

What was my mistake? Why are you like this? At least give me closure. Tell me what I did wrong. You can’t, because my only mistake was coming out of you as a girl. I often try to put myself in your shoes and give you the benefit of the doubt but I can’t. Mom, I am your blood and flesh but I am not like you. I will never be like you. I have a heart. I have compassion. I could never carry a mini me in my womb for 9 months and then disassociate myself from it. I can’t even think about being this inhuman to a stranger, let alone to a creature I have created.

No child is born hating their parents. You have made me hate you. One day you will realize that your daughter was a diamond but when that day comes, I will be too far out of your reach.

You got what you wanted.

Your daughter is dead to you.

Your daughter has died and taken rebirth as a warrior that will do whatever it takes to break the cycle.

“I will not make the same mistakes that you did, I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery” You let your parents marry you off at a tender age of 19. I will not follow in your footsteps. I will make a name for myself and stand up on my own two feet before I can even think about marriage. Before I become someone’s wife, I will become who I was meant to be before you preordained my destiny.

You did do one thing right, you made me a Singh. I am a strong, independent and fierce lioness.

Hear me roar.

In Chardikala,

-A

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