2017: New Year, New Me?

Cliche and overused- New year, New me.

To be completely honest I never really gave this phrase a second thought. Everyone uses it, it makes literal sense, and I mean it’s pretty darn catchy. So why is it that I’m going to shine a not so positive light on an overall positive phrase?  Because it’s an utter joke.

You may be very confused at this point. My words may seem like jargon and they probably don’t make sense.

You see, I’ve been in a very miserable state of mind lately. I hate this phrase because Im envious of people that are able to form a ‘new me’. I’m envious of people that get to decide for themselves who they want to be. I’m envious of people that get to live life.

Since I was a little girl everything was decided for me. My clothes, my hairstyle, my classes, my friends and even the colour of my braces. You may be thinking “well most of those things were decided for me too”. Yes, perhaps when you were a child. For myself, all of these (expect for the braces point) still hold true.

I’m 22 years old and I am unable to make decisions for myself.Im unable to buy my own clothes, go out with my friends, leave the house alone, or even volunteer for organizations of my choosing. It’s not that I’m not capable, it’s the fact that I am being prevented for reasons that I have yet to figure out. It was okay for me to work and pay for everyone’s cellphone bill but heaven forbid I took my phone to my room at night. I could contribute and pay electrical, heating, and other bills but God have mercy if I spent a dime of my own money on myself. It’s cool for me to work two jobs and be a full time student, but making my own decisions? a big no no.

I am not sharing my woes in order to receive pity. Im writing about my struggle because quite frankly I’ve been silent for too long. This silence is creating problems in every aspect of my life. My mental state is suffering, my social life is non existent and relationship issues seem to never end.

I am a strong believer that environment shapes you in ways that biology cannot. Every interaction you had in the past has made you who you are. So what happens when majority of the interactions were nothing less than sinister? What happens when you were raised to think you are good for nothing. You deserve nothing. You are ugly..inside and out. Some call this emotional abuse. I call it my life.

With the grace of God, I was born with a fiery spirit. I was educated in my faith and learned about something called chardikala- always staying in high spirits, a mental state of optimism and joy. Among the emotional and physical abuse, the light of optimism never extinguished. Trust me, it grew weary and dim but it did not go out. Despite the negativity I looked on the bright side, I knew that life has something better in store for me…all I have to do is keep swimming. Some days swimming through the worldly ocean is a lot harder than it sounds. God is good and cannot punish me forever.

I have no right to complain about my life because obviously I have it better than a lot of the world’s population but I cant help but  feel envious. The best way to describe it is, I am not the person I want to be. If I was able to live the way I wanted or explore new opportunities I would be a very different person. I want to make a change in the world but right now I’m unable to even make a change in my own life.

This post is getting rather lengthy so I’ll save the details for a later post.

After every storm comes sunshine. Hang in there.

-A

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